I’m here, sitting on my white fluffy chair in my living room. I’m holding my pen and already feel my heart beating stronger. I can see my eyes facing you. Yes, you, my love. I know your days are getting shorter and you’re running out of time… cancer and I will never be friends, but while you’re breathing this life, here is one more page to the book.
My love, my very first love, I was only 14 years old, and I gave you all. I held you so close, as if there was no tomorrow. In fact, there wasn’t a tomorrow. We shared intensity and oh boy… we had fun! You taught me how to drive, to kiss, to make love, to feel full deep love – that kind of love that comes with no prescription – only side effects.
Our journey’s flashbacks come in the form of waterfalls, country lanes, sand and sea, disco parties, hot weather, hot temper, and storms, tropical storms. Your road got flooded more than once and I tried to rescue you from drowning too many times… In trying to save you from not being able to breathe I lost sight of myself. I lost myself in our journey. No roadmaps for a while, nobody around.
I remember the day I woke up and said goodbye to you. I thought I had nothing left to give, nothing I wanted to be. I was a big, tall mountain with a massive hole in the middle. I walked away with many memories and my love’s side effects got me in trouble for a while.
No emotional first aid, no A&E. I travelled “solo” trying to get myself together for many years with some help from my auntie who was a successful therapist in my hometown. That experience was the seed of what is now my tree with deep roots, forever growing.
Over the years, I’ve learned that the moment I separate from my heart, the moment I start to move away from love, a part of me starts moving and do everything to bring me back. I started to notice that I wasn’t lost, for the moment I thought I was. And I did love again. Many times, and I’ve met beautiful people in my life. Love returned to me, this time with an ingredient called SELF LOVE, and the side effects were extremely healing. (Overdose accepted and highly recommended).
To you my first love, let this be the way I remember us – driving through country lanes, surrounded by vivid nature, tall brown mountains, a mix of exotic and ordinary flowers, orange, and apple trees, listening to our favourite tracks on tapes, a duet of teen love – After all, the heart thrives on acceptance of all things.