Im feeling sad, happy, lost and tried. I’m feeling hopeful and anxious at the same time. All of my life I though that I needed to figure something out. Like I was the only one who didn’t get a guidebook to life. I felt anxious most of the time, I worried about my past and my future. I felt ashamed about myself, like I was never good enough.
Then I started getting diagnosed. First anxiety, then OCD, then depression and lastly burnout. I was burned out of all the anxiety and depressive energy. All the worrying and fear. I didn’t have a job, but was constantly working, my body was hyper stressed just by going on the bus or buying groceries. I reached my bottom and was hospitalized.
Medicated. I slowly I started to feel something inside. A deep appreciation of being live. I started to feel grateful for the smallest things like the color navy blue, waves that break on the shore, and star gazing. It felt like I found a connection to myself and finally I got it.
The guidebook to life is feeling my feelings. Noticing and being aware of all of it. Now I feel grateful for anxiety, for grief. I see the connection between those intense feelings and the deep love for life I have underneath it all. I started the journey of seeking out pleasure and saying no to stuff I just don’t like. I showed up as myself, expressed my soul and when I did my world grew bigger. Instead of worrying I started to feel curious.
At some point I woke up with a sentence in my head, I’m more afraid of loosing myself than losing someone I love. I finally understood that the best gift I can give someone is being true to myself.
Then, when I fully loved and embraced myself for me, I met someone very special. It feels like a soul mate. He makes me laugh, makes my eyes shine and my heart skip a beat. I like spending my time with him, I like how it feels. I love him, and I’m not afraid of opening my heart to him.