Dear Emotions

What a loaded word you are. What a sensitive topic, what an unspoken concern. You are my friend and foe, my guiding and restricting hand, my harmer and helper.

Emotions I know what you are, I know you by name yet what do you entail? What feeling do you make me feel within?

Heartache, oh how you and I are best friends. This negative emotion inside I despise yet it’s us forever baby. A weighing emotion I can never seem to shake, never escape. Love is its partner, yet it never seems to be love yet rather lust. How can we call it love when one cannot stop roaming eyes, one cannot compromise? Love makes us think that its us for the rest of our lives, yet lust snaps us back to reality that it’s all just lies.

Selfishness, my biggest pet peeve. You and I have had our fair share of interaction, yet lately it feels that it is only a reaction from others. There’s a disease spreading around, one with a capital S and it seems as though everyone has it. Has this disease that is a huge circling rage, one which forces people into a cage. A cage of inward looking and humanity has been stained. This stain leaks onto me, causes a great cavity but this emotion I feel I need to attain or else once again will I be forgotten, be left alone with my pain.

Happiness. The most wanted of the group, yet what is it? Is it the feeling on opening Christmas presents or hearing rain hit the windowpane? Whatever it is, I cannot seem to grasp it, cannot keep a hold. This emotion comes and goes as fast as a train, a train on a track which doesn’t correlate with my journey, doesn’t cross my path or rather is not a chemical in my brain. Is this emotion happiness really a feeling, because to me it only seems like a scheme.

Grief, an emotion well known. An emotion who has many faces, many stages. Grieving for a lost one can be dealt with because they’re gone yet how do I grieve for someone whose still under the sun? How do I dare to live my life when the other part of me is out there fully alive yet not by my side?

Pain. This emotion sometimes feels like the only word I know. How can a young one be so drained? I’m starving, barely making it through, days are neither lighter than nights, and every second I am awake, do I debate, to be in pain or to not be in pain?

Last but not least we have numbness. My heart pains as the tears fall and create this eternal stain on my distinguishing soul, yet that’s quite an irony, isn’t it? How can I be in pain when numbness is standing beside me, leading the way?

All these emotions I will continue to navigate, yet to my emotions do I say: thank you for never leaving me. As toxic as we are, together we are a team.

Yours truly
Tannah