I always find October and November hard. It was Chance that first noticed it for me – fleetingly saying a few years ago, ‘you always find this time of year difficult’, and it immediately resonated as something very real and something completely unnoticed up until then. But he was right, it was a recurring pattern for me, and once he’d said it felt gleamingly obvious. The yearly overwhelm, fatigue, sense of disengagement and a feeling of generally being at the bottom of the barrel across the board. What I have now is emotional foresight, it doesn’t make it go away but…
There’s something reliving in knowing you are most likely going to find something hard, difficult or uncomfortable because it begs for the curiosity of why, which opens the doors wide open for some deep reflection. This foresight allows us to wrap consciousness around something which might have had more clout if it had remained shadowy and bringing light around it creates a sense of ‘oh this is coming and this is familiar’, it gives us the chance to prepare, to brace a bit and also to stockpile what we need to get through it, learning each year what to add to the checklist.
With the space to try to understand what’s coming before it does, I find that I am able to be more compassionate, more organised and gentler with myself and bring about some change before I’m in the eye of the storm. But on the flip side, the knowingness also brings with it a certain amount of trepidation, annoyance and emotional memory fatigue… oh here we are again. This old stuff. I recognise this profoundly in my clients who are working with grief, the inevitability and safety in the familiar but also the ‘heavy sighs’ that come with the yearly reminders and triggers that emerge whether we like them or not.
This is what foresight has given me…an annual reminder of why I find October hard:
- It’s a busy time practically: my son’s birthday, his dad’s birthday, my birthday retreat, preparing Self Space strategically for next year, and half-term—all these demand focus, energy, attention, and showing up for myself and others.
- Emotionally, I find there are ghosts of Octobers past, moments where I prepared to leave my marriage, with most of my break-ups occurring in this month. These memories need space to breathe, gratitude, and attention, however faint the ghost may be.
- I find Halloween a bit bleak. I’ve always felt it’s loaded with pressure: to party, to be fun, but also to be scary! And when the kids came along, there was extra pressure to make it special for them, to show up, to bring the treats, and to help them navigate all the emotions that big events like these hold—from FOMO to actually missing out on invites, holding that for them while creating a creative, mystic, magical time. That’s what’s expected, and it’s a lot.
- My mum reminded me last year that it was on Halloween that I saw a ghost in the local pub with my Nan. It was ghostly and scary, not in the dress-up way but in a very real way—we were in the presence of something unexplainable. She and I got locked in the loo just as it emerged. Seeing someone I loved and adored panic is a feeling that will always stay with me, and I was too small to reach the lock to help, so I also felt helpless. Emerging into the pub full of drunk people who couldn’t grasp the gravity of what had just happened to us was quite overwhelming, and I still feel traces of that memory in October.
- Christmas is fast approaching. I don’t find Christmas easy, and I start noticing anxiety as I begin to think about plans, what I want vs. what my kids need, the constant pressure of money, and the much deeper realisation of my life’s past and present, which for me carries both joy and hopefulness as well as a certain amount of grief.
- Winter is poking its nose in: the seasons are changing, the call to hibernate grows louder, and for the sun-worshippers among us (me!), it’s time to dig deep until we can once again bask in the sun, armed with our factor-30 oil and too-small summer clothes. I thrive in the sun, so winter feels long.
What has this emotional foresight meant for me?
- Understanding some of my ‘why’s’ has helped me tool up in the months before for what’s coming, for me that means I take a holiday in October to re charge and re set, I create time with friends and also time alone to re calibrate
- I get ahead early on the birthday and celebration planning so I can drill some on my emotional buoyancy knowing that the practical things are in place
- I know my limits and I try to do a few things well and in an engaged way rather than lots of things half heartedly
- I ask for help, in years gone that meant arranging more play dates or friends to help and now it means reaching out to my close circle and sharing what’s happening for me and how I feel
- I give myself windows for grief and allow myself to be sad that the birthday and the upcoming Christmas wasn’t the picture I might have had for our family and I don’t try to rescue myself too soon from that and just be with it, which I find helps me move on quicker
- I notice more readily what I do have and cultivate grace and gratitude for that
- I make a list of what’s different this year than the year before and mostly I notice progress in doing that
- I take the pressure off myself to be everything to everyone and focus in on who my attention is directed towards both others and myself and make that razor sharp
- I begin to embrace the many opportunities I have at my fingertips and switch my scarcity mindset for abundance – because there are always so many choices even if they aren’t obvious at first
Grab a pen and journal these questions:
- Do I notice cycles in how I feel across the year?
- What do I notice?
- How is this reflected in the months/seasons?
- What does my past tell me about why I might feel this way?
- What does my present tell me about my feelings?
- What do I need to support myself?
- How can I prepare to steady myself for what’s coming?
Preparing for the festive season (less turkey ordering, more emotional buoyancy safety check!)
- Ask yourself what you need over the Xmas period
- Make a list of what’s a priority (you, kids, family, rest, connection, food)
- Make a list of what you don’t want and ways to make sure you can avoid it happening but be realistic about what is also inevitable and find ways to prepare for that
- Give yourself an energy scan to see where you are at and what you might need to refill your reserves so you don’t hit the Xmas finish lines on your knees
- Make sure your diary is peppered with want-tos and joyful things as well as the have-tos
- Hold boundaries early where you know you might struggle – saying no to parties, present buying/giving. I can’t do xxx but I can do yyyyy
- Manage expectations early so you aren’t left holding others disappointment and your own feelings at the same time, pace yourself, activate your wellness practices if they’ve slipped
- Cultivate joy – it’s in the small moments that get lost in the mayhem, look for them and you’ll see more!
I’ve shared some of my winter prep pictures from October on the grid and more on surviving Xmas in next months post.
Jodie x