It’s no secret across my work that I do not prescribe to the “new year, new me” adage. I actually vehemently reject the idea that crossing the threshold from one year into the next should do anything more dramatic than change the numbers on your calendar. When we stack up huge expectations on ourselves to be a different person – a new me, an updated model – as the clock strikes midnight, all we do, inadvertently, is set ourselves up for both failure and disappointment. Not a good look for your mental health!
We know that small steps take us far. We know that our mental health is not linear. We know that progress in any form will sometimes look static, sometimes move backwards. round in circles, or side to side, and occasionally see us move forward. We know this because most likely (unless you’re a Marvel character), this has been your lived experience up until this point. You will know from your own life that setting yourself unrealistic goals and going from 0-100 on any life change – big or small – will most likely see you fail and leave you feeling a bit shit about yourself. So let’s not do it to ourselves. Instead, let’s decide daily what it is we are fighting for and find small ways to practice everyday mental maintenance. These small steps will build stamina and buoyancy for the choppy waters and difficult tides which are inevitable in our life. Let’s set ourselves up for success. What I have learnt from my 1000’s of hours as a therapist is that the greatest satisfaction people feel comes from the small, constant and sustainable changes they can make in their lives, which contribute to an overall sense of well being.
Here are some things that I feel will be worth your energy in 2025 and beyond….
Learn to be alone (and do nothing).
In a culture that champions busyness and burnout as a badge of honour, being alone, with no plans feels somehow uncool. Let’s make it the new cool! Being alone is different to feeling lonely. Loneliness needs the balm of deep connection and meaning. Being alone is the antidote to being disconnected. It allows us to tune into ourselves, gives us space to feel our feelings – however horrid they might be, and it gives us an opportunity to get down with our creativity.
The discomfort we can feel in being alone is a good thing. Pushing through the edge of discomfort to see what’s on the other side is always a win. Growing pains are real. The more you flex these ‘alone muscles’ the more normal and less uncomfortable it will feel, and you’ll start to notice the benefits it brings. Once you’re comfortable with being alone, you’ll stop running towards others and things that don’t serve you in a desperate bid to avoid being alone.
Work out what brings you comfort and do more of it.
Being alone might also show you this with more clarity where you are not in the embrace of pleasing others, or serving others, we can attune more to what brings us real comfort. These might be small things. For me, it’s lighting incense (I like really ridiculously expensive ones) and candles, or having tidy cupboards. Maybe it’s early nights, yoga, perhaps it’s ticking some things off your to-do list, or spending time with people who revive you. Maybe it’s time spent on something that isn’t output driven, it may be cashmere socks, or snuggling with your pet, kids, loved ones. Try to be very conscious about identifying what the things are that bring comfort, so you know ‘Ah this feels comforting’ and do more of it.
Normalise endings.
As a society we don’t normalise endings very well. We have death which is so final and not talked about enough to give us any real perspective, but living endings are normal, natural and even positive. Endings go hand in hand with change. Change, in itself, can be destabilising and difficult – even as much as it can be exciting and brilliant.
Try to zone in on endings and how you feel about everyday endings – finishing a gym class, ending the pottery course, finishing up a piece of work or saying goodbye to someone who’s leaving work. Be open and curious about what these bring up for you so that when the big endings need attention – such as a change in job, country, partner, or friends – you are more open and equipped for them.
Know that even the endings that are right for you will most likely come with a certain amount of loss and grief. This is normal and it is not a sign that the ending was ‘wrong’. Allow yourself to be with the ending for you. Focus on your contribution to the ending, your reflections on the what’s and the why’s about yourself rather than focusing on what the other person did or didn’t do or what the work place might have done etc. This will allow you to feel more autonomous and empowered by the ending.
Focus on what feels peaceful (not to be mistaken with avoidance).
Notice your nervous system. What things, people or circumstances dysregulate you and what brings you peace. Be open to question why you are dysregulated and what you can do to contribute to making it more peaceful but also know that not everything will bring peace.
Speak these phrases more often, both to yourself and others.
The words we speak have some much power to open doors and create environments we can thrive in, make good relationships great and ground back to what really matters. These are some of my favourites.
- I’m here.
- I got that wrong.
- I’m proud of you.
- I’m sorry.
- It’s not your fault.
- I’ve been thinking about you.
- I care about you.
- Can I give you some feedback
- I believe you.
- Nothing you say can change the way I care about you.
- Take a breath.
Look the shadows in the face
Create time and space to look at things you are not saying and feelings you don’t want to feel. Allow moments to be in the shadows. The shadows really want light, and light makes things less amplified and less powerful. The more we avoid difficult matters the more energy and control they’ll have over our lives.
Set a work out or movement routine and stick to it with rigour!
Book those classes at the start of the month and simply commit to showing up and getting through it. You don’t have to always enjoy it, you just have to show yourself that you can. It’ll send echoes to the rest of your life.
Be honest.
With yourself and others. Telling lies and keeping secrets only serves to support you to abandon yourself. The work is in understanding ‘why am I lying’ and ‘what pattern is this repeating’ – is it speaking to my people pleasing, is it shame, is it fear? Get curious but decide to be as honest as you can in all areas of your life.
Make therapy part of your weekly/monthly routine
This is honestly something you’ll not regret. Find a therapist that’s a good fit for you and co create that relationship so it feels like a place you can be truly yourself, support and challenge in equal measure.
Ditch the psycho babble: Stop diagnosing other people, stop diagnosing yourself
This only serves to make us more hysterical and disconnected. Stop looking for labels to tidy things up. Be in the real meat of the matter. What am I feeling and can I understand why?
Say yes, mean yes and understand the power of no….. And then follow it up with a why?
This speaks to setting boundaries, it helps you order and prioritise what matters, it helps you be more present. When a yes means a yes you’ll be in it with gusto when a yes feels like a no – it’ll make you feel rubbish and others won’t notice it. Make note of where you say yes but really mean no and give that dynamic attention. All the while you are living authentically you’ll feel more aligned and this will impact the overall quality of your life
Make sure your diary mostly makes you feel excited, content and energised
If you feel upset, angry, overwhelmed when you look at your diary, then you need to focus on re-formatting your life so that it doesn’t. Everything you do is a choice, even when it doesn’t feel like it is. We only get this one shortish life, it’s important that it mostly feels ok and you are responsible for making that happen. Make your diary your friend, take ownership over your time and energy.
Say ‘I love you’ more & mean it
The world needs an abundance of love, you deserve an abundance of love, let’s be part of the solution.
Come and see us for a session, make it part of your routine. We’re now offering free 20-min introductory sessions with select therapists. Book your free session today.
There are more bits like this in our book How to grow through what you go through.
Holding you in mind whatever the date.
Jodie x