Don’t you find one of the most infuriating things is when someone tells you to calm down when you’re not calm, or to be quiet when you need to be heard? We often become very afraid of our own feelings—not because of how they feel to us, but because of how other people can (and often do) respond to them. This may present as panic, fear, overwhelm, or embarrassment, leading us to retaliate by completely shutting down our feelings.
This might have been familiar to you as a child when your tears were wiped away, you were sent out of the room for throwing a tantrum, or you were told to pull yourself together. What we really need, what we almost always need in the face of big feelings, is to be allowed to express ourselves in whatever way feels good, possible, or available to us, as long as it causes no direct harm to ourselves or others.
Even more brilliant, creating the space and opportunity to invite them in with open arms. Creating moments in your day, week, month where you fully immerse yourself in your feelings:
- Therapy
- Journaling
- Screaming on the marshes
- A good old cry to a trusted pal
- A quiet moment in the sun
- A closed office door
- Or in the embrace of your cat
- Some breathy sobs in yoga
- Sprints, squats and presses that mean more than the action.
Whatever it is, finding ways to create space for the feelings to emerge is so important for the recalibration after.
I think about decompressing slightly differently from others, in that I don’t believe there’s anything useful or healthy in decompressing our feelings away. I sometimes wonder if this term is being used as a socially acceptable way of telling us, as adults, to pull ourselves together. It is, of course, very possible that my interpretation here is a defensive response to the idea that I might have control over decompressing my feelings.
Sometimes I have a similar reaction to yoga or meditation if I think of them as acting in opposition to what I am feeling, as if they are being offered as a way to placate my emotions. I find it much more helpful to view them as vehicles for expressing and being with my feelings. With this framing, the last thing I want to do is decompress when I’m feeling a lot. What I’d much rather do is go big and then go home! And for me, home is the space on the other side of feeling, where I have a real chance to decompress in an effective way for myself—an opportunity to integrate, reflect, and re-balance after feeling intensely.
I’m not suggesting you should try to turn 180° from your feelings by decompressing them away; I actually think this would be counterproductive to how the psyche prefers to regulate. I’d rather think of decompressing as the soft blanket and warm hug after we’ve experienced our big emotions. It’s a moment in time: a day, a week, a hot sauna, a warm bath, a game of grunting tennis with a friend, or a passionate make-out session with your partner.
It’s the place you go to rebalance, reconnect, and ground yourself—spaces where you can fully inhabit your feelings and feel loved and cared for after a difficult moment. We are not our feelings; feelings are transient and pass through us if we let them. Much like a season of hibernation after a busy period, decompression allows us to recover and recalibrate our nervous system, process what we’ve just experienced, and shift from feeling overwhelmed or exhausted to feeling freer and more capable. It can give us focus and clarity on what has passed and create a sense of space to view things differently.
The idea of a big decompression at Self Space is not to encourage enforced peace, but to suggest creating space for yourself to regroup and process, to take a breath and reconnect with yourself. You might find this in passive ways like reading, resting, or walking; or in active ways like a big seasonal tidy-up, a diary overhaul, a tough conversation, or taking a close look at something you’ve been avoiding. You might do a bit of both in one of our decompression sessions, where you’ll have the opportunity to reflect on what’s passed and look ahead, with a sense of containment and support, at ways to create internal space for yourself so that decompression is possible.
We have a gorgeous new site opening next week in Coal Drops Yard; it’s a lovely location to come and have a mooch around, drop in for a session, and then sit by the canal for a quiet moment afterwards.
I’ve shared some pictures on social of moments of decompression for me throughout September.
Be with yourself as much as you can. We are our only real home, and if we can’t get comfortable here, we’ll find it hard to find comfort in life. Decompressing gives you a wonderful opportunity to come home to yourself.
Jodie x