If we aren’t out frolicking on the beach with perfectly tanned kids, posting pics of our shimmering hotdog legs by the pool, spending endless summer evenings with ALL our smiling, attractive friends, or walking hand and hand down the south downs with our cosy relatives, drinking Pimms in the beer garden in our Asos coords, or sitting hand and hand on the swing chair with our ‘better’ half, is it even summer babes? I do not want to be the one piece wearing summer grinch over here, I have defo experienced a little of all of the above. BUT fleetingly and not without trials, tribulations and a diminishing bank balance, plus most of us have to style one of the most pressured seasons out for seven weeks while our therapist goes awol.
Summer expectations are real. It’s in all the mags, the films and across social media, an underlying urge to move towards some type of summer perfection. Any of us who’ve chased this will know it is wholly unrealistic at best, leaving us feeling skint, jealous, upset, dissatisfied and exhausted come September.
So how to strike a balance between cultivating some real and meaningful summer vibes for yourself while accepting the reality of what actually is? Because with that acceptance comes peace and when there is peace there is more potential for joy to poke its nose in. At Self Space we are embracing the theme of the ‘anti-summer’, this doesn’t mean we don’t want to feel the whiff of sun on our pale skin, or the sugar coating of an Aperol on our teeth, but I wanted to share some ways in which you might actually find some real and truthful summer feelings. So this isn’t a guide for your perfect summer, because let’s face it, that’s nonsense, but there are some things here you might be able to lean on as you sweat it out, with sun cream in your eyes and ice cream on your new white vest.
Presentish Parenting
I have spent many summers stressing about what I’m going to do with my kids for six fecking weeks, trying to enlist every friend, relative and under 16-year-old to help me fill the days. I’d be really anxious if plans fell through, or if I had days without an ‘activity’. I’d be so obsessed with keeping everyone busy (mostly myself I realise) that I often missed the quiet, subtle moments of what it meant for me to actually be with my kids. I remember quite a poignant moment rushing between the kitchen and the car trying to pack what we needed for another hot day at some overpriced farm that I knocked my three-year-old down the stairs. As I went to pick her up off the floor, my son rode into me on his plastic Thomas ride-on and we all landed in a teary mess on the floor. We stayed there for a bit looking at the ceiling and my daughter pointed out the water marks from a previously overflowed bath and as she did I noticed she had been biting her nails. Something I hadn’t given myself time to see before: tiny hot little hands manifesting some kind of anxiety that I absolutely did not want to see because if I did it might deviate me from our ‘busy’ summer diary.
Of course she was too little to tell me in words what was happening but given a moment to breathe she didn’t need to. It gave me something very real and resonating to consider – that when we are full force in forward motion trying to have summer fun, we might fail to notice what really needs attention: slowing down, getting alongside your kids even in the boring, less sparkly times allows the opportunity for better, deeper intimacy.
12 tips to help with presentish parenting
- Slow down
- Make conscious what plans are for you and what are for them (it’s ok for you to be entertained and need company) but try to mindful of what you are doing and why
- Sometimes less is more
- 10 minutes of uninterrupted, focused play is more validating for your kids than an expensive day out
- Give yourself time for yourself. So that you have more in the tank when you need it through the day, which you will
- Ask for help in the right places, no good looking for support where you’ve previously got none
- Don’t be afraid to say to a friend I want to see you but I don’t think I can cope with the park
- Don’t be too harsh on yourself when it comes to parenting tools that other people frown on. Get the iPad out, give ‘em a bag of crisps, do whatever you need to survive yourself
- Know it’s not always going to be a lush day – spend time at the end of a hard day naming and reflecting on what happened, for yourself and with them where appropriate. ‘We had a hard day today didn’t we…how are you doing?
- Remember it’s not the rupture, it’s the repair that matters, so take time to wonder about how things could have been different and say sorry when you get it wrong, this models strength and vulnerability and it’ll support you in letting things go so you can have a better summer
- Ask your kids in the morning what do you want to feel today and what do you think you need (also do this for yourself before you get out of bed, what do I feel and what do I need – let the answers flow)
- Allow yourself some time to think about your own childhood summers, what worked, what didn’t, what did you need most that wasn’t on offer and channel a bit of that into how you live out your summer with your kids.
This ol’ bod of mine! (ain’t going nowhere)
I’m not going to bang on about the danger of body comparison and pitting yourself against other people because I know we will all do it at some point and someone saying don’t isn’t going to help. I am also not going to discredit what we all know is a fucking ridiculous concept of a beach ready body. But I do want to say that finding a way towards body neutrality is going to serve you very well, in terms of your mental health. That doesn’t mean accepting your body if you aren’t ok with it or forcing yourself to love it if you don’t. It’s about making space and wondering about ways that you can actually feel as if you are doing things that make yourself feel better and in greater ownership of yourself. Your body has better uses than being the place you direct disappointment.
So try to reframe your feelings about your body by moving them towards actions that hold yourself accountable to the action not the body you are asking to do it. This way you can feel annoyed you didn’t do the walk but not angry at your body for looking the way it is. This will give you more power. Your body is passive, it’s not the thing that prevents you feeling comfortable in it, you are! Stay curious about the hows and the whys.
- How do I feel about my body?
- Why?
- When did it start?
- What do I want to feel?
- What sort of gap do I need to bridge between what I have and what I’d like?
- What’s stopping me finding a way towards neutrality?
- How is it serving me to feel this way?
- When are the times I felt at home in this vessel?
- What contributed to my feeling this way?
- How can I cultivate more of that?
Everyone should read the body and keeps the score!
No MONEY MONEY MONEY
I am constantly shouting the question vehemently at my phone or my laptop (I understand the irony here) – ‘where are they getting all their cash from?’ because I feel I can’t seem to produce enough. I know I’m in a privileged position too comparatively, but I don’t come from money, I don’t ever seem to have enough and I have a constantly creeping fear that one day I won’t have any. I am always just a bit worried about the immediate and long-term future and I can always locate this in money. Anyone else? Nagging feelings about money are set to kill any type of vibe unless you can get it in
cheque(!) And when the pressure to be all summertime is also hanging around it’s a good time to work on your relationship with money.
So how to survive the summer without going totally broke or bonkers worrying about it, while also not missing out on everything or going to things and then worrying about how much it’s costing, which let’s face it, is shite. In this economic climate we are swimming against the money current so a certain amount of stress and worry is going to be a given, here are some ways to cope better with that and not let your summer sink.
Make time to reflect on your relationship with money: how was money spoken/thought about in your family? What helpful and unhelpful narratives can you lean into or let go of that might be dictating your relationship with money? Are there ways you can actively disrupt unhelpful patterns, do things differently and re-shape some of your potentially limiting beliefs around cash and how it is/isn’t thought about?
Have your eyes wide open to your financial situation: it can be tempting to bury your head in the sand when things feel hard or out of control. With money you need to look it full in the face and work hard on the actual numbers so that nothing is a surprise. Even if you can’t generate more money, even if it’s upsetting, looking it dead in the face will give you some mastery and control even if it feels unsettling. When you are clear on what you do and don’t have, you can make more conscious choices about spending and this might uncover some deeper issues that need work with a therapist. If you clearly know you can’t but you can’t stop, it’s useful to stay curious about the motivation and cause, spending outside of what’s ‘safe’ can be a symptom of other things.
Share! We don’t speak about money enough: Money and finances, particularly in Britain, is still one of the leading factors in poor mental health. So many of us stay tight-lipped about it. Too embarrassed to share with friends or loved ones – either because we feel we don’t have enough or too much or maybe we feel that somehow it suggests our worth or lack of it. It is so important to find ways to really come to the table with how things are for you and your finances and how its making you feel, so that when you say no to plans because of money people who care will get it, it also means you can find support, collaboration and validation from people close to you and look to work on separating your worth from your money. Pretending a fake reality is always going to make you feel more alone.
Practise more conscious spending: Before making any purchase, pause and ask yourself if it’s really necessary. Impulse buys can derail your budget quickly. By practising mindful spending, you can make more intentional choices about where your money goes. This doesn’t mean depriving yourself but rather being selective about what brings you genuine joy. implement the 24-hour rule: If you see something you want to buy, wait 24 hours before purchasing. Often, the urge will pass, and you’ll avoid unnecessary spending.
Embrace the staycation and find more meaningful ways to connect with loved ones: Travelling can drain your wallet faster than you can say “bon voyage”. Instead of splurging on an expensive vacation, consider a staycation with loved ones. Create meaningful ways to connect more deeply with the people you love, maybe you make something together, walk in nature, use our Deep And Meaningful cards, find ways of connecting which sit outside money. This will contribute to you feeling more abundant and less drained.
Make space for joy. Joy is free: You are more likely to experience joy if you live authentically, if you have people properly alongside you on the journey, and where you feel some power in the choices you are making. So putting measures in place to bring your money into focus and feeling more at peace with it will give you more capacity for joy.
Summer is just a season, you don’t need to be a new you. It’ll be gone quicker than that white Magnum, but you will still be here come autumn. Make changes and call in action that will serve you for the long term, not just a season. You got this and even when you don’t, at least you can sit in the park on the itchy grass and squint at the sun.